Embracing the Past

Yoga teaches the art of living in the moment. Sixteen years into my practice, I’m still working on it. Maybe we work on it our whole lives; maybe yoga is an eternally evolving process and not a destination at all. It seems to me today that the present moment is just a point of balance on a scale, hovering tenuously between past and future. The past is set in stone—it is what it is and never will change. The future is cloaked in uncertainty. Both points are beyond reach, and yet the mind spends so much grasping in each direction. At least mine does.

For eight years, from 2001-2009, I went by the name Mother. I created an identity that on the outside appeared very successful. I taught yoga to some of the biggest celebrities on earth. I was featured in magazines and on TV. I had a reputation. And yet I wasn’t happy. The name Mother came with a lot of weight, and carrying that load became increasingly more painful with each passing year.

Of course, the name Mother had a very specific meaning for me. It symbolized both the creative aspect of the universe and the force that nurtures creation to its fullest enlightenment. I took on the name as a mission statement: I would use the creative potential inherent within me to nurture others towards their own awakening. It was a noble cause mired in internal conflict. Ultimately, more time and energy were spent defending my position than realizing my true aim. In the end, I walked away from all that I had created, changed my name back to Eddie and hid from the world at large.

After two years of traveling under the radar, I decided to put myself out there again. I started a blog. I began to sing with my friend Josh. I planned a yoga retreat. All the while, I hoped I could keep my past a secret. Was I ashamed? Maybe. Did I want to answer questions about Mother? Certainly not. Long story short, the energy it took to hide from my past kept me from living in the present. The rejection of my past kept me from embracing a mission that has never changed—regardless of the name I choose to go by. It is still my heart’s deepest desire to fully awaken the creative potential within me. And as I find avenues to express myself creatively, I sincerely hope that I will encourage people on their own journey towards wholeness.

That said, I’ve decided to go through some of my old videos and writings—content I created while I was Mother—and share them online. I choose to embrace who I was and where I was at during those days. I may have said and done some funky things once upon a time, but I respect that my heart was sincere. It still is.